Completely Useless
by Snape's Nightie
Summary: POA time. During a blazing row, Snape calls Lupin ‘useless’. A miserable Remus sets about proving that he does have a talent. SLASH SSRL One-shot.


POA time. During a blazing row, Snape calls Lupin 'useless'. A miserable Remus sets about proving that he does have a talent. SLASH SSRL One-shot.

Disclaimer: Characters and situations belong to JKR. Nothing belongs to me but one smutty imagination.

"Yeeeeurgh!" went Remus Lupin, loudly. "Ack! Blee! Fner! Urgh! Oof!" He took several heaving breaths of air and clutched at the table for support, choking and spluttering all the while.

"Oh for Merlin's sake, Lupin. It's just a bloody potion!" Severus Snape snapped, his face contorted into an even deeper sneer of revulsion than that of his colleague.

"Ick!" he continued, continuing to gurn so expressively, Snape wondered if those swivelling yellowish eyes would actually pop out of their sockets. He hoped so. That would be fun to watch. The vile creature was whining again now. "But it tastes so unutterably _foul_, Severus!"

"I am not Hiltrud Honeyduke, Lupin. Wolfsbane is a life-altering medicament, there is no reason for its administration to be a pleasant experience." He snatched his empty goblet back from Remus' unresisting hands, regretting the earlier encounter in the corridor where Dumbledore had cheerfully pointed out that he had 'accidentally' chosen a silver goblet, and why didn't he just toddle back to the dungeons and replace it with a nice glass one, hmm? He had muttered under his breath the whole way. There were so few pleasures left in his life now, burning Lupin's fingers and lip would have been highly amusing. And he hadn't 'toddled' anywhere since the age of two, thank you very much.

Remus managed to recover himself a little, though he was still smacking his lips distastefully and frowning so much his eyebrows met in the middle.

"Werewolves have always suffered," he nodded solemnly to himself. The sentence was delivered like a mantra, as though reinforcing an unpleasant truth.

"In case you failed to notice, Lupin, I go to considerable time and effort in order to brew this complicated potion so that your life may be rendered easier and safer, not to mention the great expense which the school shoulders on your behalf," Severus snorted. It was bad enough that the bloody beast was back in his life at all, without these forced moments alone together, listening to him curse one of the greatest brewing achievements of the last hundred years.

"I don't mean to be ungrateful, Severus," he said, pouring a glass of water from the jug on the table and rinsing out his mouth. "I appreciate your taking such trouble. But…have you ever _tasted_ that stuff?" He pulled a face again.

The look Snape gave him could have curdled milk from twenty paces.

"Obviously, I have not, as anyone with half a brain may deduce." Lupin stared at him blankly. "Oh blast it, Lupin! Have you never bothered to read about the potion that has transformed your, ah, monthly incapacity? A mere sip of the liquid will kill a normal person," he enjoyed drawing out the word 'normal'. "So evidently, no normal person knows how it tastes."

Remus sighed, gazing at Severus with round, mournful eyes.

"Must we continue like this?" he sighed, collapsing into his scruffy chair, apparently exhausted by the ordeal he had experienced. "I know there has been unpleasantness between us in the past…"

"Understatement of the year," he muttered harshly. "I am not about to shake your hand, Lupin. You and your unsavoury friends destroyed my childhood before destroying each other. You almost ate me. It is not something one forgets readily."

"Severus, I regret that night so much! If there was any way I could go back and change it, then I would, believe me. I knew nothing about that until the following morning."  
"And yet," Snape said softly, dangerously even, "Black's carelessness with the lives of others was excused completely, and chalked up to youthful high spirits. Had the authorities taken more notice of his murderous tendencies, sixteen dead people might still be alive today."

Remus swallowed and let his eyelids droop. Whether the colour had drained from his face as a result of the potion or the awful memories, Snape could not be sure.

"It is devastating, living with the knowledge that someone I cared about so deeply, and trusted so intimately, was capable of such monstrous things." Severus snorted.

"And twelve years later he is out there, somewhere, just waiting to perpetrate even worse acts of madness." He loomed over Lupin, still sitting miserably in the old armchair. Dropping his voice to a practically inaudible level, he continued his taunt, "Are you afraid, werewolf? He killed the rest of your nasty little group. This time, is he coming for you?" Remus did not open his eyes, but his lips spread into a nasty smile.

"Or for you, Severus?" Snape straightened up immediately. "After all, he tried to kill you once. After all those years in Azkaban, Sirius must be dying to vent some of his frustrations."

Remus hated himself as soon as the words had left his mouth. Here he was, back at school, taunting old Snivellus in exactly the way Sirius would have done. Sirius the traitor. Sirius the crazed mass-murderer. He started to apologise, but Snape cut him off.

"I still hate all four of you," the ferocity of his tone startled Remus. Severus' hair was framing his face, his black eyes glistening with passion between the straggling dark strands. "I hate Potter for becoming even more of a hero in death than he was in life, I hate Black for managing to deceive the world for so long, I hate Pettigrew because he hung around with the most popular boys in lieu of developing a brain of his own, but most of all, more than anyone else, I hate you, Remus Lupin."

Remus had risen to his feet in horror. He had spent most of his life trying to be pleasant and polite, even when his best friends had bullied their classmate, he had never joined in. Snape could not seriously blame him for his disease, surely?

"M-m-me?" he stammered out. The potions professor's anger had built into a towering rage now.

"Yes, you! Pathetic you. Black and Potter treated me the way they did because they disliked me, Pettigrew joined in because he worshipped everything they did. But you," he spat, clutching the glass goblet in his hand convulsively, "You disagreed with what they did, but were too weak to stop them. Too weak to voice your protests. You were afraid that they would stop liking you if you voiced your opinion, so you held your tongue , like the filthy coward that you are, and let them continue. That makes you the worst of the lot. Coward!"

Remus was thunderstruck. He could not deny that he was a coward, he could not deny that his natural inclination was to stand aside and turned a blind eye for the sake of a quiet life. As a prefect it had been his responsibility to control his classmates, but he had failed to do so. Just as now, with the nation in a state of terror about the first ever Azkaban breakout, it was his responsibility to tell the ministry that Sirius was an illegal animagus. He should have done so years ago, he mused grimly, as he had probably used Padfoot to escape – a dog was able to do many things a man could not. Sirius had ruined Lupin's life, killed his dear friends and now was certain to come after adorable little Harry, so why was he incapable of making the secret public?

Up until that point, he had attributed his weakness to a lingering sense of loyalty to the black-haired boy who had made his schooldays so much fun; or perhaps because keeping secrets was second-nature to him, having spent years concealing his lycanthropy. But now, Severus had told the ugly truth, spitting out the word like an Unforgivable curse, which it was. Coward. It echoed in his ears. Filthy coward.

"I never want to hear you speak one word against Wolfsbane again," Snape yelled into the ringing silence. "I am one of about fifteen highly-trained people in the _entire world_ capable of brewing that potion. You are a useless coward with no talent, no skill and no reason for your existence." He turned on his heel and left, slamming the heavy oak door behind him.

As the echoes of the almighty bang died away, Remus sank numbly back into his chair. He was right. Every word Severus had spoken was true. He was completely useless. Burying his face in his hands, Remus wept inconsolably until the moon rose.

Fortunately, teachers' private rooms were permanently spelled with silencing charms, otherwise the entire castle would have been kept awake that night by the heartbreaking sound of a lonely wolf howling its agony to an indifferent moon.

…….

Remus was a resilient man. He needed to be, with the constant prejudice and rejection he faced as a werewolf; so Snape's taunt did not keep him sad for long, but rather made him determined to prove him wrong, on the 'useless' front at any rate. He figured that it would actually do more harm than good to tell the ministry about Sirius now, as they would undoubtedly demand to know why he had said nothing before, and possibly even prosecute him, leaving Hogwarts without a DADA teacher yet again, and Harry with one less ally. He convinced himself that he should stay close to the boy whenever possible, and keep an eye out for any sign of suspicious black dogs.

So he was not completely useless, he told himself firmly. He could help to protect Harry. Drawing himself up to his full height, he set off for the dungeon with a determined expression.

Severus opened the door with an especially forbidding expression he reserved exclusively for that purpose. The look spoke volumes before he needed to even open his mouth. What it said was something along the lines of who-dares-to-intrude-upon-my-private-time-and-space-you-unspeakably-wretched-little-insect-you-should-consider-yourself-inordinately-lucky-I-have-not-already-disembowelled-you-with-an-item-of-common-cutlery-for-even-daring-to-befoul-my-general-vicinity-with-your-repellant-presence-then-used-your-entrails-in-a-particularly-gruesome-potion- etc., etc.

Remus answered the look with a roguish grin.

"Severus," he beamed. Snape recoiled in disgust at the idea of such a sunny face in his lovely dank dungeon.

"Get out," he sneered venomously.

"I just came to tell you that you were wrong, the other day!" he continued to smile. Snape flared his left nostril but said nothing, forcing Lupin to continue. "Yes, I do have a purpose! I can be of use protecting Harry Potter." He looked extremely pleased with himself. Snape flared his other nostril, but before he could pass judgement on this cheery announcement, the school alarm sounded loudly from inside his rooms.

Sirius Black had entered the castle and attacked the portrait leading to the Griffindor common room when it refused him access. He had obviously hoped to sneak in while Potter was eating, lie in wait then butcher him in his sleep.

After a night of fear and disruption, Snape and Lupin bumped into each other in the entrance hall.

"Ah Lupin," it was the Slytherin's turn to be cheerful now. "You were saying? Something about being there to protect Potter, wasn't it?"

Hanging his head in shame, Remus fled, trying to block out the sound of nasty laughter. Sirius had obviously transformed and managed to slip through one of the secret passages they had been so familiar with in their youth. Coward, coward, coward, Remus repeated to himself. He was a coward, and he had failed to protect Harry. Completely useless.

…….

Knock knock.

The sneer was enough to melt stone.

"What do you want this time, Lupin?"

"I am not useless," he announced jubilantly. "I am a good confidant."

"Indeed?"

"Yes, everyone tells me their secrets."

"I see," Snape was regarding him with the utmost suspicion. Remus was not surprised that Severus thought him cowardly. After all, he had done the bravest thing in the world by turning his back on Voldemort and becoming a spy. He began to feel a little better disposed towards him. The feeling lasted just a few more seconds before it was replaced by the familiar self-loathing. "So you know the reason Hagrid is not a qualified wizard?"

"Er, no. But I haven't had much chance to speak to him since I arrived back."

"Well then, you must surely be aware of the reason Minerva wears that platinum ring on her little finger?"

Remus pondered for a moment. Severus was right, McGonagall _had_ always worn that ring, he had never paid attention before. He had no idea why though. He frowned. That was a Griffindor secret which he really should know. Severus was looking a little more pleased with himself.

"And I am sure you know whereabouts your precious Potter-the-second used to sleep in his aunt and uncle's house?" he was smiling now. Remus didn't understand the question at all.

"You think I ought to know which bedroom he had?" he asked incredulously. Snape was showing off a mouthful of uneven, tea-stained teeth in his delight. He beckoned Remus forwards, and leaned over, whispering in his ear.

"If he never told you that they kept him locked in the cupboard under the stairs, Lupin, then I doubt he feels you are a suitable shoulder to cry on."

"Cupboard? What rubbish," scoffed Remus, an unpleasant little voice telling him that despite all his faults, Severus was not a liar. "What makes you think something so awful as that?"

"We had to send four thousand, seven hundred and twenty one acceptance letters to Potter's house before he was able to read one. Some were destroyed by his uncle, some were returned outright. I saw some of the addresses." Still grinning, he slammed the door in Remus' face.

After getting confirmation of the story from Dumbledore, Remus retreated despondently to his room again. Useless.

…….

Severus was rather enjoying the task he had unwittingly set Remus. It was so much fun to watch the nauseating aura of pride seep out of the haggard face each time his bubble was burst. The creature was racking his inadequate brains as he attempted to prove his worth to Snape. Sadly, Dumbledore had materialised in his laboratory just as he was finishing this month's wolfsbane, and had cheerfully handed him a glass goblet and offered to walk with him as far as Lupin's quarters. So no silver burns this month either. Most unfair.

Lupin still made a dreadful fuss as he forced the potion down. Snape felt his hackles rise instantly on hearing the familiar round of hawking and spluttering.

"I am not useless," he managed at last, squaring his shoulders confidently. "I am a good teacher. Everyone says so."

"Ah yes. I heard all about your first lesson. Boggarts, I believe," he smirked as Lupin nodded happily, clearly enjoying the memory of Longbottom's infamous _Ridikulus _spell. Snape continued sagely, "You were indeed most fortunate."

"Fortunate?" echoed Remus. "I'm afraid I don't follow you. All the students who attempted the spell were successful. I saw fit to call a halt when it occurred to me that Harry's deepest fear may have been Voldemort," he ignored the other man's flinch. "No luck was involved."

"You are so utterly Griffindor," sneered Snape, rubbing his hands together malevolently. "All they have to fear are spiders and the dark. Did it never occur to you how spectacularly unwise it was to expose a person's innermost fear to public ridicule?" Lupin was slightly taken aback, but held onto his smile.

"Surely helping them to tackle their irrational fears can have only a positive effect, Severus?"

"No Slytherin first years were subjected to the boggart, I understand," Lupin agreed, uneasily. "How do you think Theodore Nott would have felt, had the entire roomful of his peers seen that his greatest fear was his own father? Drunken and brandishing a whip, most likely."

Remus was absolutely horrified.

"Merlin, no! Little Theo? Surely not?"

"I am his Head of House, Lupin. It was I who discovered the reason an eleven year old was still wetting the bed. On my insistence, steps have been taken to address the matter, but I fear our earliest memories can be our most vivid."

Remus swallowed, feeling very lucky he had ended the lesson at the right moment. But one potential mistake which had actually not happened did not mean his career had been a total failure. He refused to let Severus grind him down this time.

"I accept that I never thought about that issue. But no harm came of it. And it was only one boy, after all."

"At the age of six, Gregory Goyle walked into his mother's bedroom to find her engaging in a violent bondage escapade. With her own brother, incidentally. It left deep scars, even on such a slow mind. Would you consider that a suitable lesson for your class? For your precious Potter?"

Unable to even breathe at the thought of what may have materialised in the Defence classroom that day, he shook his head dumbly. Snape continued.

"For a time, Draco Malfoy had a younger sister with no apparent magical ability. It would serve no purpose to enter into gruesome details on that issue. Suffice to know that the presence of the dementors has caused a great deal of upset and sleeplessness inside my house. I understand the automatic prejudice against us, but you and others would do well to remember that despite the reputation for wealth and comfortable living enjoyed by the old Slytherin families, they are also adept at the concealment of their more unpleasant facets."

Remus became so thoroughly downcast as he realised his folly, he sank bonelessly into his chair, much as he had done the previous month. How could he have been so unprepared? Thinking back to the way the young Slytherins had surreptitiously slipped to the back of the queue, he thanked his lucky stars that nothing too awful had happened. It had been an impetuous choice of lesson, he now realised, but he had only wanted to give the third-years a little fun as they attempted some practical defence. He hung his head, having failed again.

…….

Lupin was feeling completely and utterly smug. There was no way Severus could twist this one against him. When the door to the potion master's private rooms swung open, the Griffindor strode in purposefully and stood in the middle of the room, hands on hips. A single black eyebrow rose an eighth of an inch.

"I have a talent!" he announced.

"You do?" the sarcastic question was accompanied by a backwards stagger of mock shock.

"No less than eight people over the past ten years or so have told me that I give the best head in the world!" Lupin smirked as Snape staggered for real. He stared at the DADA professor with uncomfortably probing scrutiny. Remus stared back, unabashed. After five minutes of total silence, Severus managed to recover his scathing tone.

"And how, may I ask, do you intend to prove this outrageous assertion?"

"There is only one way." Both black eyebrows flew up Snape's forehead, and a still-smiling Remus continued. "A practical demonstration."

Still rather shocked, Snape turned this over in his mind. It was far too great a temptation for him to resist. It was a win-win situation, really. He doubted the werewolf would be any good, but he rarely got that kind of offer nowadays and if he was as dreadful as Severus suspected, it would be great fun to deride him afterwards.

"Very well," he said coldly, as though to a class of students brewing a particularly difficult potion. "You may begin."

…….

The following day, Remus went to his staffroom pigeonhole to collect his internal correspondence. There was a memo about a surprise fiftieth birthday party for Filius, a note asking if anyone would be able to cover Professor Vector's fifth year class first thing the following Monday morning, and a small piece of parchment which on closer inspection appeared to have been treated with a For Your Eyes Only charm. Intrigued, he headed back to his rooms, where he muttered the Identity Incantation, and a grade sheet appeared. He let out a yell of laughter as he realised what it was.

**Name: **Remus Jonathan Lupin

**Year: **First on staff.

**Subject: **Fellatio, practical examination.

**Application of Knowledge: **Exceeds Expectations.

**Understanding of Theory**: Exceeds Expectations 

**Artistic Interpretation: **Exceeds Expectations

**Practical Competence: **Exceeds Expectations

**Overall Grade: **Exceeds Expectations

**Comments: **Following consideration, I am forced to revise my earlier hypothesis. The subject is not completely useless, after all.

**Signed: **Prof. S. Snape.

Remus was delighted. It was a small victory, but most welcome under the circumstances. He had also enjoyed himself much more than he had imagined – the way the stern, unforgiving man had moaned so wantonly as he clutched at Remus' hair had been astonishingly arousing. He was glad he had proved Severus wrong.

…….

The following full moon, Remus gulped down the disgusting potion with his usual dramatics, but Severus contented himself with a mild snort or two.

"That stuff is so foul!" he whinged.

"So you keep telling me," He rolled his eyes.

"Bleurgh," said Remus one last time. He straightened up and shot a wicked look at the potions master as he pretended to ponder. "Now, how can I take the nasty taste away?"

Black eyes glinted with anticipation.

"I think we should allow you to resit your examination," he said softly. Remus nodded seriously.

"Well, practice makes perfect, after all."

Snape's robe slipped silently to the floor.

…….

A/N: Yes, I know, a bit of a cliché and all of that, but I had fun!

Love you forever if you review! Just a few words would be much appreciated (big, slurpy kiss) x


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